Why I didn't delete pictures of my ex and don't plan on it

How social media has impacted standards and expectations of modern dating

Integrating your partner into your social media is a carefully planned process. The soft launch vs the hard launch might be familiar terms, originally used in business when bringing new products into the market, now commonly used to describe the way a new relationship might debut on social media. In this instance, ‘soft launch’ refers to displaying that you are in a relationship somehow - holding an unidentified hand, the silhouette of a partner, a cute date night. The ‘hard launch’ explicitly shows your partner, tagging their account and all. We take very cautioned actions when it comes to integrating our partners into social media, so how does that change when things end?

When I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, I sobbed like my mother had died. My chest felt empty and raw and there was a pit carving itself out in my stomach. In the coming days, I was endlessly fatigued and barely had the strength to follow my daily routines.

Breakups are hard, especially when a relationship ends because of circumstance. Social media makes it even harder. No-contact is proven the best way to move on from an ex, but it can be difficult when social media exposes you to everything they are up to in their life. Because of this, many people choose to unfollow or block their exes and delete any and all traces of their partner from their pages. I’m sure you’ve seen it - at some point, you notice that one person in the longtime couple from high school has no pictures of their partner, and then you check to see if they’re following each other, and they’re not. Then you text the group chat, I think so and so broke up! And the speculation begins.

After our breakup, I chose to leave my photos on Instagram up. It wasn’t really even about the possible fluttering conjecture from people we knew, but more so, it felt almost childish to delete them. The only reason I have ever taken down Instagram posts was because I was embarrassed by them, and I certainly was not embarrassed of my relationship. If I deleted them, it implied shame. Since that wasn’t the case, it didn’t feel necessary to me.

However, when I started seeing someone new, he wanted me to take down the pictures. I couldn’t really understand why. I’m dating you now, and I’ll just start posting pictures of you. Why do I have to pretend like my ex-boyfriend never existed?

But my view is one in a million, and this topic is very situational. I was lucky enough to have a mutual, amicable breakup, harboring no bad blood or animosity. I’m sure if it went another way, I might not be as keen on keeping those pictures on my profile. It is completely understandable to not want to be haunted by images of your worst nightmare every time you view your own profile. Still, I feel like the majority has spoken. From what I’ve gathered, most people agree that you should delete photos of your ex for one reason or another. 

Here are the main ones:

• not wanting to be reminded of the person/ability to move on

• ruins potential dating prospects in the future

• doesn’t portray their current life accurately

And these are all valid and understandable reasons. A close friend of mine expressed that she asked her boyfriend to untag his ex-girlfriend from his posts. She told me that she didn’t ask him to delete them outright because “...prom is prom, you know, that’s a big life event. Even my mom still has her prom photos with her high school date.” As for why, she elaborated that it’s important to her that it’s made clear that they aren’t dating anymore because social media is so big and how we identify people. “The first thing my friends are gonna do is look at his profile and see a girl that’s not me. It’s a bit vain, but I don’t want people thinking that he’s dating her instead of me.”

Another friend of mine said something similar about her mother and step-father: “He lives far away from his friends and family, so the things that people know about him are mostly from social media.” Still displaying old pictures doesn’t depict what is going on in his current life. She also suggested that if it’s a picture of the two of you, to delete it, but that family and group photos can stay. However, it’s also understandable that relationships are part of your life and it’s important to chronicle them.

I think what averts me from these particular reasons is that the assumptions they reside on don’t apply to my personal wider views on life. No-contact was enough to help me move on. I didn’t mind seeing pictures, because I still cared and wanted to keep up with him. As for potential dating prospects, it wasn’t really something I was looking for, and in my mind, if someone is intimidated by an old picture and questions my loyalty because of it, they probably aren’t for me. And last, that it might not portray my life accurately just doesn’t apply. While I might not be in the relationship anymore, my life is full of love at all times, whether it be from old friends, old family, or old partners, and that is what I want my social media to show. This relationship was significant to who I am today, so I think keeping those pictures up despite no longer being together reflects who I am and what I value.

Of course, every relationship and therefore every breakup is different, and I don’t feel any way toward people who choose to delete pictures. This is a heavily situational topic, and feelings vary based on plenty of factors about the relationship and the breakup. What’s most important is that we respect each other’s decisions in how we cope, heal, and move on. In this instance, I just didn’t feel it was needed. But I won’t lie, I felt kind of self-conscious when people kept asking me why I kept those pictures up. Many of my friends inquired about my decision, or maybe lack thereof, as it has become somewhat expected for people to erase their past relationships from social media platforms.

It just got me thinking: what factors have culminated in the existence of this expectation? Why is deleting pictures the norm, and how has social media has impacted the grieving of relationships? How do we navigate our online relationship history going forward in a way that aligns with our personal values while simultaneously avoiding jeopardizing our future romances?

To answer this, we must first analyze how dating has changed over the past century. The 40s and 50s had very formal courtships which reflected the heavy importance of community and family. Younger people today are familiar with the “talking stage” of a relationship. “Dating” often implies a commitment to one person. Most wouldn’t date multiple people at once. However, in our parents’ age, “dating” was equivalent to the “talking stage”, where people would see multiple people at once and narrow down who they were most compatible with. Then, you’d end up “going steady” with someone. 

The 60s and 70s began to change with the introduction of the birth control pill, which revolutionized sexuality and expression. The ability for women to be in control of their bodies deeply transformed the dating scene and expectations about premarital sex.

Somewhere around the 80s, dating became a lot more casual with the introduction of the “hook up”. It was about exploring and having fun, much different than the serious and formal courtships of the early 1900s. By the 90s, dating was spontaneous. Blind dates, meet-cutes, you name it. Everyone was just getting to know each other and discover what they liked.

But the introduction of social media changed everything. Suddenly, you could know someone before you actually met them face to face. You could have a preconceived notion about their personality based off of their social media. You could decide at once glance of a profile whether they were viable or not.

Have you noticed that as personal relationships have declined, as people struggle to find love in the age of social media, with the rise of dating apps and websites, love is what our culture seems to value most? Because so many people face issues finding people to talk to or hook up with or date, true love and romance is even further idealized in the public eye (“[insert couple] broke up, love isn’t real”):

Fig 1

Fig 2

Therefore, for people in relationships, portraying theirs as ideal is of course, a natural expectation. It’s so hard to find someone compatible with you, so when you do, you have to hold onto them and show them off. 48% of young partnered people say that social media is somewhat or very important in showing love and affection. While people usually date and love many people in their lives before settling down with someone, the common idealization of this one true love pressures us into thinking current instead of realistic long term.

The idea: there can only be one. How romantic is that - two people made only for one another and no one else, sharing a perfect, beautiful, wholesome love?

Social media pressures us into depicting our relationships as the “one and only” no matter your actual dating history. Therefore, it only makes sense that once a breakup occurs, any “evidence” to that fact must be destroyed, as to maintain the image that there is only one person for you. 

I think there is a heavy expectation that the person you end up with is your one and only. Everyone wants to live a dream romance, of the person that is the only person for you. And social media, being so heavily planned and curated and aestheticized, has only added to this pressure. The person you are currently with is the only person, and showing any kind of attachment to past lovers - even if it lies in thoughtless inaction - is akin to cheating, at least with how it ruins the perception of the “one and only” love.

Ego probably plays a part, too. It can be hard to imagine the person you love having loved someone else before you. We like to think of ourselves as the only ones who matter to that person. Which in some senses, you should be. And listen, we’ve all done it - stalking the ex, stalking your replacement, comparing ourselves to their internet personas, looking for traces of attachment and assuming how people feel without asking. But I think there is a way to hold love for people in your past without getting stuck there, and being able to love people in the present in a whole new and unique way. 

The reality is that we love many people before we settle down with someone, and that’s because love isn’t the only thing that makes a relationship successful. Therefore, you can still hold love in your heart for people who came before your current partner. The trick is to come to terms with the things you experienced and the person you were with them and how it has changed your life. I think it is possible to be over someone and still love them, if in a much different way than when you were together. 

We have to start changing the way we think about dating, if not because of the trivial facts of a person’s social media that haunt us to no end, but because we are so lonely and failing to find companionship on a wide scale.

As with love, it is with life. People change along with everything else you’ve ever known. Why waste time regretting something just because it has ended? If we want to be happier people, and if we want to find love, we have to appreciate it for what it is instead of what it isn’t. A relationship ending does not always mean a lack of love. Love is all around, and I think that we might have an easier time navigating it once we acknowledge that it is often fleeting in nature (and that that’s not a bad thing). Why pretend like we didn’t love when it once gave us so much joy? Pay your past loves their dues, and go on into the future with an open heart.